Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild West.

 As a favour to John who messaged me on LAF, here are the fast play rules from TTG’s Once Upon a Time in the West.

My Top Ten Christmas Films

 I’ve noticed there is a regular discussion on various forms of media about whether Die Hard is a Christmas film or not. This all seems to be based on whether a film set in Christmas, as opposed to being about Christmas, is a bona fide Christmas film.

Frankly, I couldn’t care less if a film has snow, Santa or is some shite from Raymond Briggs as I have my own way of rating Christmas films. In my mind, something that I’ve seen for the first time reminds me of the season I’ve seen it, rather than the subject matter, and Christmas is treated in the same way.

So, as I’ve only four working days left and am just starting to get in the mood, I thought I would post my Top 10 Christmas Films, many of which are as Christmassy as July in Torremolinos.

Take it away, Fluff….

10 The Dirty Dozen

Ridiculous plot only someone with the mind of child brought up on Commando books can love. I love it! “You’ve seen a general inspecting troops before, haven’t you? Just walk slow, act dumb and look stupid!”

First viewed: 26 December 1977

9 The Wizard of Oz

It might have nearly killed most of the cast, but at least none of them were frightened by helicopters or look like they’ve holidayed in Belsen. A genuine film for all the family where everybody can be a friend of Judy. “There’s no place like home!”

First viewed: 25 December 1975

8 Dr Zhivago

Plenty of snow here! David Lean doing what David Lean does best. A bit of a surprise entry, considering my other choices, but it’s a film with quality you can just wallow in. “Strelnikov!”

First viewed: 1 January 1981

7 The Guns Of Navarone

The original ‘men on a mission’ which I replayed the following day with my Action Men and with whatever suitable figures I had to hand thereafter. If you have a few toy soldiers you have the men from Navarone. “Heil, everybody.”

First viewed: 26 December 1977

6 Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines

I watched this cradling a box full of Airfix 1/24 Hurricane! A bit on the long side, but I could watch Terry-Thomas do his thing for hours. “What do y’think y’doing? Frightened the life out the Memsahib!” 

First viewed: 25 December 1974

5 Waterloo

Should be called “Warts an’ All”, but a magnificent spectacle matched only be the battle of the Deetail soldiers in ‘Quincy’s Quest’ 😁. If you are not moved to buy Napoleonics, you have no soul. Or hum La Victoire Est A Nous while you paint them. “What are your plans?” “To beat the French.”

First viewed: 25 December 1976

4 Carry On Up The Khyber

Along with Cleo and Screaming, this was Carry On at its height with brilliant gags and everybody playing to their strengths. It just all ‘works’. Those who sneer at Carry Ons can just “Fakir: off!”

First viewed: 23 December 1977

3 On The Town

I was allowed to stay up late to watch the BBC2 Gene Kelly Season as my dad was a fan and this absolute banger just blew me away. A boisterous rollercoaster, with great songs and stellar cast. “My place!”

First viewed: 23 December 1979

2 Zulu Dawn

I now look at it in the same way as They Died With Their Boots On, but it’s a cracker nonetheless with enough accuracy to make it worthwhile. Kick-started my interest in the Zulu War and has many of the cast of The Wild Geese to boot! Best stiff upper lip scene ever: “Carry them to safety, Mr Melville.” “Sir.”

First viewed: 26 December 1980

1 Lawrence of Arabia

No surprise here! One of, if not the, greatest film ever made. I watch this on the same days every year (it was originally split over two nights). My mum and sister had gone to pick my grandparents up for the holidays and me & dad were left to do bloke stuff. We popped into Staines for some last minute Christmas shopping and I managed to score the brand new Airfix Multipose 8th Army. I made them up whilst watching O’Toole & co doing their thing. I now try to get something equally deserty to make while I’m enjoying my annual film fest. Who needs snow? “No, Dryden. It’s going to be fun.”

First viewed: 22 & 23 December 1975

History is Closer Than You Think

 Just for interest, I wrote this on Bob Cordery’s blog post on the 1914 battle of the Falklands. I’ve strained the memory a bit, as we are talking over 40 years ago, but the key point has stayed with me all these years

Just down the road from us in Cabrera Avenue, Virginia Water (now you know how I could buy books from Bryan Forbes) lived Mr Amlott, a lovely, elderly gentleman with poor eyesight. This didn’t phase him, however, as he was very independent and my folks would often chat to him as he took his daily constitutional to the local shops.

One day, I was returning home from college (it would be 1983 or 84) and met Mr A outside the community centre (where most likely he was entertaining the old dears). It was a lovely sunny day, but he told me it was a bit too bright for his eyes, so I walked home with him just in case he tripped. I cannot remember how the conversation took this turn (he may of asked me how old I was, so 16 or 17) but he told me he had fought in the Falklands. I thought he was pulling my leg, until he said it was 1914 and he was a boy bugler in the Royal Marines. He said it was all rather exciting and was glad he wasn’t older as he would have been petrified.

At that age, and being slightly to the softer side of Walter the Softy, I could not fathom how anybody could join up, let alone be under fire. My own grandfather saw action for the first time the following year, at Loos with the Royal Field Artillery. The only ‘action’ story he told me was that when the guns opened up for the first time he messed himself. Chatting to one of my RM colleagues about a new TV series on RM training, I remarked that I would be in the corner crying after 15 minutes. Most bootnecks are somewhat blasé about their trade, and he told me it’s amazing what people can achieve under the most difficult circumstances. I agreed. “20 minutes, then” I said.

I wish I had the brains to ask more questions of my grandad and Mr Amlott, but we very much understood it was best not to ask and let them drop little hints and stories when they were ready. For many years my grandad was friends with a lively and very funny man we always called ‘Uncle Billy’. They had been colleagues on the buses since the 1920s, had served in the Home Guard together and ended their days together in the Busman’s home in Wembley. Billy’s daughter, Jean, is my Godmother. We got them together after my nan died (1981 or thereabouts) and I listened as they bantered away on the sofa. Suddenly, this came out:

Billy: I was on the Somme.

Sid: So was I.

Billy: I was in the West Kents. What about you?

Sid: Field Artillery.

Billy: I wondered who was shooting at us.

Sid: Lucky we missed.

They then moved on to arguing who had the biggest half of the Double Decker bar my grandad had snapped in half.

Incredibly, they had known each other for over 50 years and never mentioned it.

I hef ridden vargames rhuls

 

Yes, Arnie has been helping me write stuff, not only because I am semi-literate and a psychotic cyborg can do better, but also because I am on a mission to make myself redundant. At work, I have to produce a lot of documentary evidence to show I’m doing what I have to do anyway, so being a lazy bugger at the best of times, thought I would employ AI (Austrian Intelligence). I started with something irrelevant (my annual appraisal) and moved on to important stuff, like applying NIST controls (if you don’t know, don’t ask) and was impressed. Sadly, a human is still needed in the mix to clear up anomalies, but it’s speeded up my working life considerably. Having done that, I thought I would turn to silly stuff so I installed ChatGPT at home and had a play.

Easiest way to assess the capability is let it create what you already have and compare the two. So I made it produce wargaming tabletop and campaign rules. I’ll never use them, but they are not half bad and would certainly give a good game.

I’ve got Napoleonic and WSS rules in pdf format. Message me if you are interested and I will email them to you, mainly because I cannot be arsed to set up pdf hosting environments. Alternatively, I will post the questions I asked and you can have a crack yourself.

Hasta la KBO. Baby.

Is this another cunning plan…

 …or the sign of a nervous breakdown… or both, according to the Mem.

Well, that’s another failed project…

Honestly, I’ve no idea how you lot maintain interest in this stupid hobby…🤣

After messing about with painting, basing, more painting, more basing, more basing I can’t get anything to work to my satisfaction, so I’m chucking the towel in before I waste any more time.

I’ll finish off this batch of Newline Austrians (great figures, by the way) and dump them on EvilBay. The only positive I can take from this is that Vallejo Model Colour Cream White is the best match for Austrian uniforms.

Fiddling with Plastics

 No, nothing to do with Irish-Americans, but these figures did come from the US and (at the time) were the last two packs of Hat Austrian Landwehr in the world. Since then Hat has reissued the set, but the price was reasonable and they were post free, so an amazing deal.

Figures are excellent with just the right amount of detail and only one duff running pose, but he proved to be useful later. I did my usual prep of spraying with TT Combat primer, but horror of horrors, it all flaked off. I’ve had no trouble with other plastic figures, especially Airfix Type 1s, but for some reason the Hat rubbery plastic did not like me. I resorted to PVA and, for belt and braces, Vallejo white primer. This was after several experiments using the duff figure, which being on one leg was an excellent test subject. After a few trials, and lots of twisting and bending, I decided the PVA/Vallejo route was best as it stood up to seem really rough handling.

The reissues are in a stiffer white plastic, so I may be able to go back to my old priming ways. But they do have a bit more flash on them; the older figures are virtually flash free.

I did a very basic paint job, quite old skool, with a ‘targeted wash’ with Vallejo black and flesh washes over key points and varnished with Vallejo gloss, which is the most non-yellow gloss varnish I know. I went the gloss route because I wanted the smaller figures to bling at arms length.

Now I just need to fiddle with unit size. I’m not going for any particular figure ratios, I’m just sticking figures on bases so it looks good. I’ve left a gap here for a mounted officer. Very Peter Gilder and it does look jolly nice! Obviously, the more figures per unit will need more effort and how long this will hold my interest I don’t know, but it will keep me amused as the winter evenings draw in.

Apologies for the poor lighting!

Fresh out of the box.

Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…

 

Absolute Beginners

 Being too knackered to do anything in the evening these days aside from trolling YouTube, I have found a number of “how to start wargaming” videos. These tend to take the same old route, of pushing people towards various brands and paraphernalia that have grown up around wargamers who have, to put it politely, been around the block and forgotten what it’s like to start from scratch. The most recent was recommending mdf bases. Really? My first bases were cut (without measuring!) from the boxes my Airfix figures came in! Worse, he was extolling the virtues of those Wofun things, which are truly horrible.

So, instead of repeating the same things I do on all these videos (like I do with any Little Bighorn video where some twat will always say “he should have taken the Gatling guns!”), here is my own guide…

Rule 1: What?

What interests you? What war film have you seen or book you have read that made you want to delve deeper? Do something that floats your boat to keep the juices flowing. This may seem obvious, but you will be surprised how many people get pushed or pulled into periods just because others do it and not because they want to. Plough your own furrow. It’s a good life lesson.

Rule 2: Basics

Get yourself some basic modelling tools, so a good pair of sprue clippers, a scalpel (for cleaning flash off figures), a Stanley knife (for cutting bases - disposables are good enough) and a ruler will do. Then get some thick card for your bases.

You can quite happily cut the card into the right base sizes and play with those to begin with. I managed to play Tabletop Games’ Pony Wars rules using strips of card.

A tape measure and some six sided dice, or D6  (avoid any rules that require more than a handful of D6) are the playing basics.

As far as paint brushes are concerned, you can get perfectly good cheap ones off Amazon or from The Works in the UK. I managed to paint OK with some dreadful brushes when I was a kid: there is nothing wrong with the cheapies and the more you paint the better you will be at picking the right brushes for you.

Rule 3: Rules

Neil Thomas’ One Hour Wargames. That’s all you need for now.

Rule 4: Toys

Go for cheap, plastic 1/72 figures from Hat, Airfix, Revell, Italeri etc. Plastic Soldier Review is your go to online source for info about ranges. Ignore metals and multi-part plastics. And Wofun, because they are horrible. Sometimes they will need gluing and for that you will need Superglue Plastyx. Trust me, it works!

Rule 5: Preparation

Remove figures from sprues with sprue cutters and clean off any flash with the scalpel. This is the biggest drawback with plastic figures as some can be bad, especially with old moulds. Don’t get hung up on removing every last bit, just do the worst.

Wash figures in detergent and give them a thin coat of PVA glue before painting to seal the plastic. Vallejo white primer also works very well, but PVA is cheaper. Plastic figures vary greatly in their ability to hold paint, so do this on all your figures just in case.

Rule 6: Acrylic Paint Only

Only use acrylic paint, that way you will cover the figure in its own rubber suit which will flex with the figure and not chip off. There are so many on the market now that are all much of a muchness, so just get what is the most available near you or online. I mostly use Vallejo, but the latest Army Painter are good as are AK.

Rule 7: Paint for Arm’s Length

Paint your figures as per the Britains Deetail (or Herald!) metal-based figures so they look good at arm’s length. Get this style under your belt first: it’s good practice and you can always add extra detail as you grow in skill. Choose a base colour - usually the main uniform or jacket colour, like red for British or Blue for French - and cover the whole figure. Then work on the other large areas, like trousers, hats etc. Sometimes it’s easier to leave the hands until last as they will be holding something. If you are doing Modern figures, like WW1 or 2, have a look at what Airfix did in the late 60s…

If you start simple like this you will only need a few colours too. Horses are even easier:

• White with grey mane & tail.
• Black all over.
• Dark brown with black mane & tail.
• Light brown all over.

Add the odd white sock and blaze on the last three for variety.

I have actually produced figures in both styles quickly for games. It really works and you’ll find they look just as good on the table as their detailed brethren. And miles better than Wofun.

Rule 8: Basing Basics

Cut your bases to the size you want out of thick card. Paint it green or sand, depending on where your troops are fighting. Glue your figures on so they look good. No need to cram them on or use the same poses. Look at these two blogs to see what you can do with a few figures mounted on large bases.

https://gridbasedwargaming.blogspot.com/

https://warfareintheageofcynicsandamateurs.blogspot.com/

Rule 9: Terrain

One Hour rules are based around tables three feet square, so just get a sheet of hardboard of that size and paint it an appropriate colour. Terrain can be two dimensional to begin with, cut from card or felt. If you are using 1/72 figures then take advantage of model railway scenics. Most battles in the 60s and 70s were fought against a backdrop of 1950s Britain…

And finally…

Rule 10: Play the Game

Don’t take it seriously, don’t cheat, be gracious in defeat and magnanimous in victory. It’s a game, a bit of fun, nobody dies and it will expand your historical knowledge and develop your artistic and organisational skills. 

Dodging the DNA Bullets

 

Family trees are funny things. Beyond living memory the people are just names and even further back you have so many ancestors there is nothing special about anybody. If Danny Dyer can trace his family tree back to Edward III then it’s all a bit ‘so what? My great grandfather x 40 was Aelfrog, warrior king and retained dustman of the north Saxons.’

The furthest I can go back (thanks to the Sussex Parish Registers being online) is Roger Sayers, a greengrocer from Horsham (1500-1575) and Johan, his mysterious wife. No more idea about either of them, but all I can picture is a Tudor version of Mr Hodges. Henry VIII visited Horsham in 1519, so I would hope Roger was able to see Harry in his prime.

To take this to the limit, I decided to do a DNA test. I also roped in my mum, who is gathering speed with dementia but still capable of spitting into a tube (this still makes her more capable than the Labour front bench). This would also finally end the speculation about mum’s Irish roots, especially as I’ve followed my Brady bunch back to the 1820s with no actual bogtrotting to be found. In fact, they are all from London (my grandad is a proper cockney, being born within the sound of Bow Bells in Monopoly’s cheapest property).

So, kits were ordered, phials gobbed into and the family DNA swamp was dispatched back to Ireland whence it came (possibly) to be tested.

My test came back first. BORING! You’d think one of my NNNNN whatever grannies could have banged a Mongolian for a bit of exotic, but no. Mostly English, a bit of sheepshagger, then what amounts to Saxon, Angle, Jute and Frisian (termed ‘North German Raider’ in some circles).

The Mem said that large dollop of Hun is concentrated in my ‘bossy’ gene but had entirely missed the ‘efficiency’ one, indicating the lack of skirting boards in the conservatory (14 years and counting…). And I’ve spent the last 25 years taking the widdle out of her Welsh ancestry, so that little avenue of pleasure is now closed.

No rubber dinghies with my lot

Meeting the Welsh

Then the old dear’s arrived with something of a shock: a Shock Jock, in fact…

It’s true, I am descended from the Isle de Bogs - Connacht, to be precise - but the real surprise is the Jockinese blood, which actually comes from my nan’s side. Now, the furthest I’ve gone back there is to Great Yarmouth in the late 1700s and they are all Norfolk mariners, so could the link be a visiting McMatelot? Anyway, none of that rubbish has made it into me so I can happily remain racist towards the more base elements of the Celtic fringe and my mum can continue to occasionally burst into the terrible Oirish accent beloved of American actors and Plastics.

The most disappointing aspect of this, however, is that there is no sign of my father’s known Huguenot ancestry, so that has potentially been blocked in the same way mum’s Scots and Irish traces have been weeded out. The only Huguenot artefact passed down to me is an old cupboard made by my Drouet-stock Great Grandfather. It needs a bit of repair work but sadly the German Efficiency gene didn’t make it either. Just ask the Mem.

A Cheesey Something

 Savoury scones this week:

Speaking of tasty things, Kim Wilde is currently winning in the battle of the totty views, being 9 times more popular than Jenny Agutter. Poor Clare Grogan is being beaten by the test card girl and Stephanie Zimbalist is one below my Cornish cream tea. You are a bunch of oddballs.

Has the Officers Call Been Silenced?

 Can’t help noticing the Sound Officers Call blog is kaput. I know Steve has posted irregularly over the past few months (I may not play, but I’m still a nosey bugger) so hopefully it is just a glitch and all is still well in the mess.

So what better way to invite a red-blooded male back to the fold than a photo of Kim Wilde? Yes, it is just an excuse to post more totty.

EDIT: more Heligan.

FFS….

Who needs toy soldiers…

 When you can bake!

I have returned from Cornwall with a new skill. Normally it’s some ECW plans, but that’s all behind me now. Although the Mem is rationing me in case my extant dodgy artery can’t take the pressure. Weren’t statins designed to facilitate clotted cream?

Otherwise, here’s some evening views from Heligan:

Clare Grogan shows her appreciation of the Duc de Gobin’s new dual purpose wargaming mat/window blind

 

Warrior Miniatures: a quick ‘thank you’

 Title says it all really! Lots of enquiries followed my previous post, so thanks to all for spreading the word. I see TMP has an outdated security configuration, so my trolling must have done some damage.

Anyway, to show my appreciation, here is a welcome repeat of Stephanie Zimbalist.

Warrior Miniatures

 

Read my new book “How to Grab the Attention of Men of a Certain Age”. 

Otherwise…

Warrior Miniatures is firing up again! John has enlisted the help of his granddaughter and her hubby to fire up the Quattro and get the figures moving once more. This is good news on several fronts, mainly that John will have something better to do in his old age than the normal elderly pastime of hanging around garden centre cafes.

Ropes are being learned and it may take some time to get into full production, so drop John a line if you want to know what is available. Some of the upgraded Napoleonics I produced may finally see the light of day!

If anybody out there has access to a forum (I seem to be banned from TMP, probably for all the trolling I was doing), please pass on the good news. 

 KBO

Test

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